change Δ

hello, it’s been a while.

the last time you came into my life in a world-shifting way was … a little more than 1 year ago, and before that, 2 and a half years ago. you are almost a stranger.

i can’t say i missed you. i’m safe and boring and complacent. you’re disruptive and upsetting and scary.

you’re good in small doses. controlled doses. like … new clothes, or new books.

okay, so i asked for you this time. i wanted you, and i sought you out, and i wooed you, and i got you. i asked for this. don’t get me wrong, i am grateful for you. i’m much happier at work now.

i don’t take risks when it comes to you. would the rewards have been greater if i had gambled more? well, no point thinking about that. you’re here, and i’m trying to decide what i should do with you now.

i had plans for this digital space at first, when i was frustrated and stagnant creatively and wanted to do something different. and things have … become frustrated and stagnant once more. which is why i need you in my life again.

how will you make my life different through this space again?

i know i want to write more (i know i should because how can i call myself a writer when i don’t write?). i know i want to be more creative on this space – fiction pieces? poetry that isn’t too try hard? i know i should continue writing book reviews, because i read a lot and i like sharing my opinions.

one of my biggest flaws is that i’m shit at persistent effort. i’m impatient and i seek instant gratification. which is why this space has been so disappointing in terms of effort put in.

that half-assed attitude needs to go.

so listen, i’m going to try this out: for the next month, i’m going to post once a week.whether anyone reads it or not. because it’s about the effort. if i can’t make the effort for even one month, isn’t it just as likely that i would give up on my One Dream?

(and if i do that, that’s accepting that this is all there is to life. work until you die. with no creative endeavour to speak of, no matter whether it’s popular or not. let’s not get to that stage, shall we?)

so, thank you for being in my life, Change. you don’t make (or keep) any promises, but i intend to seize them.

Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy.

– Saadi

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