years upon years. i think about how i’m 25 without being quite sure how the years went by. it’s weird to think of the change a year could bring, and yet feel things are completely the same. i’m still doing this thing called living, and year upon year, i’m still here and i’m lucky.
don’t think about what’s to come. the unknown is terrifying, and it’ll paralyse. think of what you change now, what you can do now, and be present.
am i repeating these trite phrases because i want to convince you, or am i doing it to convince myself?
The Fire Within (1963) (Source.)
mediocrity. i’ve been trying to figure out how to say things without saying things, which is why every word is even more painful to get out than usual. my intent is not to offend, but it is difficult to call out someone’s faults and shortcomings without the someone feeling attacked. or without people judging me for a whiny little bitch.
i’m sick and tired of this situation, and i wish my words could be free, but singapore is small and the internet never forgets. so these oblique words will do. i want to produce good work, and i believe that i can. i am no longer interested in mediocre standards. i am done.
why? today, i wonder why i even bother to put my words out there. the knowledge that nobody matters in the larger scheme of things is both liberating and punishing.
liberating, because the universe doesn’t give a damn if i had a typo in an article that went to print; because these standards set by society don’t mean a thing; because if this is how things are just going to be, then i might as well be happy.
punishing, because if nothing matters, then why should i do anything that i do?
good question. i wish i had a steady, long-term, forever-valid answer to it. i wish the world had the answer. but i guess it doesn’t and nobody does.
the only answer is the one you want to give.
life is a constant trip of ups and downs (and down and down and down). i saw this tedtalk about how we are more inclined to think negatively than positively, and how much work it takes to get ourselves out of that negative mindset. it really is much easier to think about how badly things are going than to look on the bright side. i try, and i fail, and i try again.
is that why i do the things that i do? every time i try again is a comma and a semi-colon and a dash and a slash to the words i’m creating to answer the question: why?
liberation. in the end, it doesn’t matter that this person tossed aside work i poured hours into. it doesn’t matter that this person doesn’t have capability to back up responsibility. because they are not what are really important in my life. and i don’t want to give them the power to trigger such deeply unhappy feelings in me ever again. i have already expended too much energy on being angry and hateful.
there’s no use thinking, things could be worse, and remain in the situation. everyone’s lived experience is different. (i guess i’m trying to justify my whining here – i just want to believe that i can feel this way without feeling guilty for seeming ungrateful for what i have. i am aware how lucky i am.)
it’s time to make a change. i will be better, i promise.
it’s time to add a slash to my answer to the question: why?